Sit still.

The other day in church, my pastor came up to me during a quiet time of worship and asked to pray with me. Knowing that I would be an idiot to decline, I said, "of course." This turned out to be a good move on my part, because the words that he prayed over me were

exactly
what
I
needed
to
hear.

The main message of his prayer was for me to "stop striving."

In thinking about my future.
In preparing for my career.
In relationships.

I spend more time and energy dwelling on and worrying about these things than I do praying about them and giving them completely to God. Instead of trusting in Him and letting his blessings fall on me as a result of His unimaginable love for me, I try to chase after those blessings by making plans and using my own strength. Obviously...that never works. I am trying too hard. So I'm going to stop striving. I'm going to trust God to shower me with His plans. I'm going to sit still in His presence.

Effortless wandering.

Being brought to tears hasn't been a challenge for me in the last few days. This might not seem like an odd statement, but being someone who rarely ever cries, it's a rather strange thing. My tears are not tears of sadness, but more so tears of life. The most random things have been catching my focus, causing the wetness in my eyes to begin before I even realize what's going on.

Seeing someone laugh unexpectedly.
Watching a couple walk by, hand in hand, while in complete silence.
Reading an excerpt from a book that perfectly captures a feeling of desperation and loss.

I suppose I could sum up this behavior as being overly emotional, but "emotional" has never been a word used to describe me. I think, instead, these overwhelming moments are a result of my timing and place in life right now. Despite how much I deny the fact, I am nearing graduation of college and with that comes so many questions that cannot be answered. I feel like I can do absolutely anything when I graduate, and that's exciting. But I'm constantly struck by the fear of actually changing my life.

I'm torn.

There is so much I want, but so much I'm afraid of. I want something new and exciting and refreshing and challenging, but I don't know how to find that. Constantly striving to find purpose in my life, yet questioning whether or not I actually do anything of value. My extreme desire to make something of myself is making me much more sensitive to notice the little things that actually make up a life; causing me to wonder whether or not my life contains those things or if I'm leading a pointless existence. Like those moments of laughter, silent love, and loss.

Surrounded by a thousand people, I, still feel all alone...

Why does loneliness hit at the most inconvenient times? I'm surrounded by friends, yet sometimes, out of nowhere, loneliness hits harder than anything else. When least expected; it's immobilizing. Like getting punched in the stomach, it's capable of knocking the breath out of you. And the hardest part about being lonely? Not knowing what it is I'm looking for to make the loneliness subside. It catches me so off guard sometimes that I can't even understand why I'm lonely.