a dichotomy of being.

Weeping.
Shaking.
Crying out.

I don't know where it comes from, so how am I supposed to make it stop?

More and more. The lies the enemy heaps on me are multiplying. But wait, my worth has nothing to do with it. I was enough--I am enough--I've always been enough.

Just leave me alone. But please, please don't go.
Stop looking at me like that, but don't ever drop your gaze.
That smile is killing me, but to never see it again would finish me.
Stop coming back to me, but don't ever leave my side.

Split in half.
Torn in every direction.
Wanting both.
Needing both.
Not knowing where to go from here.
Not knowing what I need.
I know I'll be okay.
I know everything will be okay.
I know because You told me.
But when?

------------------------------------------------

"Awaken what’s inside of me
Tune my heart to all You are in me
Even though You’re here God come
And may the vision of You
Be the death of me
And even though you’ve given everything
Jesus come."

200 percent?

One more semester.

Then.

One hundred percent of me wants to pick up and move somewhere completely new. To experience life in a way I've never known. To meet people I've never dreamed existed. To fall effortlessly into my future. To discover all that God's plan for my life entails.

But.

One hundred percent of me wants to stay where I am. Too afraid to leave behind everything I know. Unwilling to leave everyone I love. Too timid to fight for an entirely new existence. Too scared of failure. Unwilling, or unable, to face the fact that I have to grow up. Now.

So.

How am I supposed to make a decision when I'm one hundred percent leaning towards leaving and one hundred percent leaning towards staying? How am I even capable of making a decision like this when I'm one hundred percent torn?