I need a vacuum...

"Life isn't black and white. We grow by wrestling with the mess."

I'm messy. Some (or, let's be honest, a lot of) things in my life are messy. I've been running from the messiness of it all. I shouldn't run, though, because I can learn from it. The messiness is a sign that I'm growing, learning, and improving. I get so distracted by trying to "clean" my life that I just end up running around in circles, stressed out, and not being able to remember what I was so fervently trying to do in the first place. It's like when I clean my room, it always gets way messier before it gets better.

I'm done running.

I'm saying "yes" to the mess in my life, and I'm facing it head-on.

Come breathe in me.

Again I fall.

Ignorant to your mercy. Hardened from not understanding your grace. Like the song, "I get knocked down, but I get up again" I am forever playing the part of sinner turned repentant. Forever failing to live up to who I want to be in you. Never understanding that your strength is perfected in my weakness. Never understanding that all I need say is "help."

There is none like you.

You turn to me as you hear my cry. My desperation and helplessness brings you glory. Wanting to drop everything and fall to my knees, instead I turn away, distracted by my inability to save myself.

Here I am waiting; abide in me I pray.

What will it take for me to surrender my false sense of strength? What will it take for me to stop pretending I can do this thing called life on my own? What will it take for me to understand with my body, mind, and soul that without you I am nothing?

Come be the fire inside of me.

Lost and Found.

I've lost myself.

I realized the other day that I don't recognize myself anymore. That who I was, and who I want to be, no longer exists. Over the past half-year, and probably longer, I've been losing bits of myself. A piece here and a piece there. Falling to places that I don't even know, but falling nonetheless. Some of the pieces I've probably given away to people who either didn't deserve them or didn't know what to do with them. Some of the pieces just changed their shape as I grew, and I haven't recognized them yet. Some of the pieces were broken off and shattered from pain and hard times. Whatever the reason or cause of my breaking, the fact remains that I'm broken. When I look in the mirror I don't know the person I'm looking at. I remember who she once was, and I can even remember who she wants to be, but I'm not sure who she is right now.

But there's good news. There is a part of me, deep down inside that is untouchable. A part of my heart that is the essence of who I am. And it cannot be reached by anyone; it cannot be taken or given away. It is still intact. So I guess I haven't really LOST myself, I've just lost sight of who I am. But there's even more good news. Jesus wants to put me back together. And He wants to show me who I am, who He created me to be. I just have to let Him.

His are higher.

Despite what it has felt like lately, I'm not alone.

He sees me.
He holds me.
He cries with me.

Even in the darkest of nights and the emptiest of moments, I am not alone. There is more to this moment, more to this pain, more to this life than I can see. Why? Because God is love. Because His promises reign true. Because He delights in me. Because He created me like this for a reason. Because He has a plan. Because He is in control. Because He knows it all. Because He can see it all. Because His ways are higher than mine.

__________________________________________

"I know what you've been going through
tears of pain are falling down
It hurts so bad you're crying out
Your problems won't last forever
Let Me put you back together."

__________________________________________

Last night I was hit from left field. Blindsided by the pain. Tortured by the memories. As the tears were falling uncontrollably, I reached out for my Bible. What did I find myself reading?

"The sovereign Lord will wipe away all tears." Isaiah 25:8.

a dichotomy of being.

Weeping.
Shaking.
Crying out.

I don't know where it comes from, so how am I supposed to make it stop?

More and more. The lies the enemy heaps on me are multiplying. But wait, my worth has nothing to do with it. I was enough--I am enough--I've always been enough.

Just leave me alone. But please, please don't go.
Stop looking at me like that, but don't ever drop your gaze.
That smile is killing me, but to never see it again would finish me.
Stop coming back to me, but don't ever leave my side.

Split in half.
Torn in every direction.
Wanting both.
Needing both.
Not knowing where to go from here.
Not knowing what I need.
I know I'll be okay.
I know everything will be okay.
I know because You told me.
But when?

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"Awaken what’s inside of me
Tune my heart to all You are in me
Even though You’re here God come
And may the vision of You
Be the death of me
And even though you’ve given everything
Jesus come."

200 percent?

One more semester.

Then.

One hundred percent of me wants to pick up and move somewhere completely new. To experience life in a way I've never known. To meet people I've never dreamed existed. To fall effortlessly into my future. To discover all that God's plan for my life entails.

But.

One hundred percent of me wants to stay where I am. Too afraid to leave behind everything I know. Unwilling to leave everyone I love. Too timid to fight for an entirely new existence. Too scared of failure. Unwilling, or unable, to face the fact that I have to grow up. Now.

So.

How am I supposed to make a decision when I'm one hundred percent leaning towards leaving and one hundred percent leaning towards staying? How am I even capable of making a decision like this when I'm one hundred percent torn?

Go home.

I feel exhausted. 20% is due to the fact that I haven't been getting an adequate amount of sleep, but the other 80% is because I feel like the life I've been living for the last few months is finally starting to catch up to me. I can't run anymore. Everything I've been running from is once again by my side. And the funny thing? I didn't even realize I was trying to outrun them. Or maybe I just wasn't willing to admit it to myself. Either way, they're here, and now there's nothing I can do to escape them. My energy is drained. My willpower is gone. And I know I shouldn't run anymore; I know it's time I face what it is I'm so afraid of.

I'm rarely ever home. I spend most of my days at my friends' house, surrounded by a sea of people. People with their own passions, their own concerns, and their own demons.

Somehow, it's easier to face theirs than it is to face my own.

Sometimes, as I'm sitting there, I wonder why I don't just go home. Then I remember. Going home means going back to the things I have to face. To the silence of my own bedroom. Silence is strange to me. Sometimes I crave it, I need it. Sometimes it's my silent moments that bring the most clarity. Most of the time, however, it's the silence that brings back the flood of emotions. The flood of memories. The floods of pain and tears. When I'm alone, when everything is quiet, that's when I remember what it is I'm trying to outrun. That's when I remember that I can't outrun it. That's when I remember life isn't like that; I have to face it. I have to get through it.

I don't like the silence. I don't like being alone. But maybe I have to force myself to be alone if I'm ever going to stop running.