I feel exhausted. 20% is due to the fact that I haven't been getting an adequate amount of sleep, but the other 80% is because I feel like the life I've been living for the last few months is finally starting to catch up to me. I can't run anymore. Everything I've been running from is once again by my side. And the funny thing? I didn't even realize I was trying to outrun them. Or maybe I just wasn't willing to admit it to myself. Either way, they're here, and now there's nothing I can do to escape them. My energy is drained. My willpower is gone. And I know I shouldn't run anymore; I know it's time I face what it is I'm so afraid of.
I'm rarely ever home. I spend most of my days at my friends' house, surrounded by a sea of people. People with their own passions, their own concerns, and their own demons.
Somehow, it's easier to face theirs than it is to face my own.
Sometimes, as I'm sitting there, I wonder why I don't just go home. Then I remember. Going home means going back to the things I have to face. To the silence of my own bedroom. Silence is strange to me. Sometimes I crave it, I need it. Sometimes it's my silent moments that bring the most clarity. Most of the time, however, it's the silence that brings back the flood of emotions. The flood of memories. The floods of pain and tears. When I'm alone, when everything is quiet, that's when I remember what it is I'm trying to outrun. That's when I remember that I can't outrun it. That's when I remember life isn't like that; I have to face it. I have to get through it.
I don't like the silence. I don't like being alone. But maybe I have to force myself to be alone if I'm ever going to stop running.
I will go ahead and tell you, you're right. If I've gained any wisdom in the last 3 months, it is that spending time alone is the only real way to come to grips with what is before you and how you have to deal with it. It takes a lot of prayer and strength to force yourself to be that alone. So far, it's been worth it. Sometimes it is equally draining. But sometimes, I walk away wondering how I never knew I had that much strength, passion, fear, (fill in the blank) before.
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